Three Way News: Walnut Grove, Part 1

Wednesday, July 20, 2005

Walnut Grove, Part 1

In the spirit of Hunter Thompson, Bartcop, and CP, here's a retelling of the Hammer Family trip to Walnut grove.

8:00 a.m, Friday, July 15 I check off the last item on my wallet-sized laminated trip preparation list. We are ready to go. The water heater is on 'vacation' mode, the appliances are off, the doors are locked, the thermostat is turned way up, and all the bags are packed. I head to the car.

8:10 a.m. I go back into the house and tell Ms. Hammer we're ready to go. She politely asks for help in dressing the children and packing their clothes, snacks, and toys. The Hammermobile had seemed a little vacant. I make a note in my planner to update my trip preparation list, then blog for 45 minutes until Ms. Hammer provides me with a list of simple tasks I should be doing. I read the latest on Rove, then start helping.

10:15 a.m. We are all ready to go and in the car. NPR reports on a bunch of stuff I've already read about.

10:50 a.m. At Grandma's house to drop off one dog and one fish for the weekend. Grandma notes that I seemed to have been driving too fast and could've been ticketed. I don't know how to respond, so I retreat to the car to test out the new equipment I bought special for the trip.

11:15 a.m. I plug in the FM transmitter I bought for the portable DVD player. The portable DVD works like a dream. It should keep the kids occupied for half the trip. It's a bit hard to hear over the road noise, so the transmitter should let the kids hear their movie much better. I plug the transmitter into the DVD player. The fuse blows on the transmitter. I replace the fuse and try again. The fuse blows again. I hate Best Buy.

11:30 a.m. Walking through Target, I see my likely nephew-in-law-to-be. I'm happy to be shopping for electronics, rather than women's stuff. I'm such a wimp.

11:35 a.m. Target has an FM transmitter and a headphone splitter. I don't want to put the girls in headphones, but I pick up both just to be safe. I grab a bag of Sunchips on the way out. A little reward for all my hard daddy work.

1:00 p.m. The family is ready to go. The new FM transmitter works. The kids are buckled up. The dog is whimpering at the door, wondering if I'll ever come back for him. We're off.

1:15 p.m. Kids are going a bit nuts already. Big Sister wants a sun bonnet. I wish they'd take a nap: it's going to be a long day. Ms. Hammer decides it's okay for them to watch part of their Strawberry Shortcake DVD from Netflix. She starts up the DVD. It plays for 3 seconds, the screen flickers, then dies. Wailing is heard from throughout the car. Loudest wailing is in the driver's seat. I am secretly certain of two things. One, Ms. Hammer must have done something wrong. Two, I could fix it if I weren't driving. Sadly, I have been conditioned to be unable to stop a moving car during a trip for any reason. On family trips, you were only allowed to urinate or vomit at the predesignated rest stops.

1:45 p.m The kids are asleep. Hallelujah! Ms. Hammer puts in the new Ben Folds CD. Is that really Al Yankovic singing harmonies? (Yes, it is.)

3:15 p.m. The kids wake up. Big Sister starts inventing new ways to ask, "Are we there yet?". Secretly, I am full of fatherly pride.

3:45 p.m. We are there yet. Finally. The children are confused because our cheap motel in Marshall, Minnesota doesn't appear in any of the Little House books. Big Sister would like to go buy a sun bonnet now.

3:55 p.m. After unpacking, I point out a bird's nest on the stairwell to the kids. I'm hoping Libby Mae's sister does not have the room next to us. I turn the air conditioner up to 11.

5:30 p.m. Liberal guilt takes hold. I turn the hotel room A/C down to a reasonable setting. We're off to sample some of the local fare.

5:45 p.m. I bang my head on the light fixture over our table at Applebee's hard enough to consider ordering riblets. What the hell -- the kids will get balloons. I'm afraid to order off the light menu because I'm thin and I don't want the server to think I have an eating disorder. I suck.

7:00 p.m. We arrive at the Laura Ingalls Wilder pageant. The parking attendants ask us where we're from. I let Ms. Hammer handle all the chatty locals. These cretins wouldn't understand: I'm a blogger. (Actually, I just don't like talking to strangers. Too many after school specials, or something.)

8:00 p.m. The opening act takes the stage. Four men and three women singing Feelin' Groovy. From their wooden stage presence I conclude none of them have ever felt the least bit groovy. Oh, yeah, they are in quasi-matching outfits.

9:00 p.m. Guffmania begins! Oh, Lord, what a site. The sets are fantastic. And, uh, Caroline is good. At one point, the whole stage is on fire to simulate a prairie fire. Other than that, we're deep in Waiting for Guffman. The square dancing number lasts the better part of a decade, or so it seems. Apparently, the people of Walnut Grove think the girls in Marshall are fat. Oh, and Sweegins and Noogins are smarter than Finns. The highlight of the two hour pageant for the girls is playing tag during intermission. The highlight for Ms. Hammer and me is when the horse goes off script and lays a string of poo across the front of the stage. Before the handlers can scrape it up, Nellie Oleson's school books have gone flying right into the poo. The young actress playing Nellie's friend doesn't know what to do, so she just gives the books back to Nellie, just like in rehearsal. Nellie notices and is visibly not happy as the lights fall at the end of the scene.

10:50 p.m. The pageant is finally over. Rather than doing the obvious -- dramatizing favorite scenes from the beloved frontier girl stories -- the town has made the bold choice of making itself the star of the show. Laura has a supporting role. I won't say anything bad about the actress playing Laura, who is very gracious as she poses for a picture with Big Sister Hammer.

11:30 p.m. Please, God -- let the children sleep in tomorrow...

4 Comments:

I trust you plan on doing the whole LIW tour including the Little Town on the Prairie which was also the childhood home of my father. As a kid living in the Little College Town on the Prairie I was taken off to DeSmet to see a no doubt very similar play. No horse poop tho, I'm pretty sure I would remember that.

By Jambo, at 4:49 PM

Awesome, nothing beats travel writing. Have you guys read Sarah Vowell's newest book? I didn't like it as much as Partly Cloudy Patriot, but it was still pretty funny.

cp

By Anonymous, at 5:04 PM