Homeland Security Secretary Tom Ridge announced his retirement Tuesday with all the trappings of a traditional Mexican Christmas celebration.

Ridge also took time to trumpet his agency's ability to surreptiously acquire and translate a secret Justice Department memo in just under three weeks.

The memo, handwritten by outgoing attorney general John Ashcroft was first published November 10. Ridge's deputies, not trusting the mainstream media, worked diligently to translate the Missouri scrawl into standard American English. Analysts described the process a similar to sequencing dinosaur DNA as described in the largely realistic motion picture Jurassic Park III. Analysts obtained their first coherent translation upon replacing all references to "annointments" withe Spanish word hombre.

Ridge was extremely pleased to learn that "The objective of securing the safety of Americans from crime and terror has been achieved, hombre." Ridge attributed the absolute safety of Americans to his hard work and the reflected glory of his personal savior, George Bush.

Ridge explained that the Mexican theme to the announcement ceremony was a tribute to the hombre translation breakthrough as well as his fond memory of Charo's appearance on the Pee-Wee's Playhouse Christmas Special.

"It's that time of year," Ridge explained as he whacked open the pinata to the delight of junior staffers who scrambled to pick candy up off the floor. "Koochie-koochie."

From CNN, November 10, 2004

Dear Mr. President:

Nothing in my life compares to the high honor of serving America as Attorney General in your administration.

The cause of justice is indeed a serious calling. Americans have been spared the violence and savagery of terrorist attack on our soil since September 11, 2001.

...

The objective of securing the safety of Americans from crime and terror has been achieved...

I have handwritten this letter so its confidentiality can be maintained until the appropriate arrangements mentioned above can be made.

---

From AP, December 1, 2004

Homeland Security Secretary Tom Ridge, whose name became synonymous with color-coded terror alerts and tutorials about how to prepare for possible attack, resigned Tuesday, saying he was confident the United States is significantly safer than before the 2001 terrorist strikes.

Ridge said he will remain on the job through Feb. 1. He submitted his resignation to President Bush on Tuesday morning after attending a daily threat briefing with CIA and FBI officials.

As the nation's first chief of the new Department of Homeland Security, Ridge presided over a collection of 22 disparate federal agencies and 180,000 employees. He acknowledged he could not prove the enormously expensive and complex security measures put in place since 2001 have foiled any terrorist attacks inside the United States but said he was certain America was safer.

Scrappleface via freerepublic.com says:

Citing creative differences with the Bush administration, Director of Homeland Security Tom Ridge today resigned his cabinet post to become the new CEO of Binney & Smith, makers of Crayola crayons.

"It's a growth opportunity for me," said an emotional Mr. Ridge at a hastily-called news conference. "I'm 59 now, and it's time to move beyond the five colors in the Homeland Security Advisory System. At Binney & Smith, I'll oversee an operation that often packs 128 different shades into a single box."

Privately, associates of Mr. Ridge acknowledge that he has often clashed with President George Bush over expanding the multi-hued terror alert warning.

"Tom told me that the president's view of terror threats is too simplistic," said one unnamed Ridge confidant. "Bush sees the threat level in stark terms-- green, blue, yellow, orange and red. But Ridge wanted to convey more shades of meaning. When he tried to get the president to add fuscia, salmon or even puce, he was rebuffed."

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Comments:

Yes, don't we all long for the days of Clinton... when we never knew the sh*t was hitting the fan.. I'm SICK of people taking pot shots at Ridge. Show's complete ignorance. People were much happier when only the military guys were being slaughtered. And now, that the b*stards hit the US, heyyyyyyyyyyyyyy, NY is FINE with it. No problem.. let's call it a Blue State and go back to forgetting about National Security.. those peons in flyover will pay for our asses. Yeah..... who the hell needs homeland security..(link) Ed. Could someone translate this comment into English for me?