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Wednesday, May 11, 2005

Supersize me?

Posted by: Hammer / 11:17 AM

We take for granted that people shrink when they age. I just didn't expect it to happen to me in my early mid thirties. I'm more or less the same size I was ten years ago, but my clothes size has shrunk from a large (or large tall) to a medium. I should adjust and move on, but I have hard time accepting that I'm in the 80th to 85th height percentile and I'm a medium, while Ms. Hammer is a large in the 10th height percentile. (Her size choice is more a reflection of her rejection of being wrapped sausage-tight in her clothes.)

That said, Tard Patch notes that the Vikings are cheating again:

Vikings running back Onterrio Smith was detained last month at Minneapolis-St. Paul Airport after police found paraphernalia later identified as a kit used to circumvent drug tests. ...

Smith acknowledged to airport police that he was carrying dried urine, along with a device called "The Original Whizzinator" and a bottle of pills labeled "Cleansing Formula." He told police the kit was "for making a clean urine test," according to the police report, and said he was taking the materials to his cousin. ...

A sample from one of the vials tested negative for cocaine and opiates. Smith was then led into the room and identified the powder as dried urine. He also acknowledged the presence of a Whizzinator. ...

The $150 device includes a prosthetic penis attached to a jockstrap and plastic bag. Using a syringe, the user fills the bag with a precisely measured amount of water blended with the urine powder to create a clean sample. When the user takes a drug test in front of an observer, the water is released through the prosthetic with a valve (the instructions recommend the user cough to hide the sound of the valve unsnapping).

Which made me wonder -- do men pay extra for larger prosthetic penises used only for cheating on drug tests? Probably. You wouldn't want an NFL observer to start unflattering rumors about your manhood. It's probably yet another case where all men are large, but I'm stuck buying the medium.


That's why I started shopping at H. Dumpty's. You know how those XLs didn't really fit? Turn's out I'm a medium.

By Blogger Jambo, at 11:56 AM  

Nothing like a polo shirt that fits just right.

By Blogger Hammer, at 12:43 PM  

And I bet it is kind of a fine line for NFL players. Sure you want the device to be big enough to prevent rumors from starting but I the same time you don't want officials to do a double take and then start asking questions when you whip out the Dirk Diggler model.

By Blogger Jambo, at 3:45 PM  

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